Sometimes you get motivation from the thoughts that make you feel a little down, and you are left wondering whether the motives are the right ones. For example, am I getting down to working on the PhD proposal because I genuinely want to study, because I want to be doing anything but sitting around leeching off my parents or because I feel better when people talk to me about doing it?

I'm quite enjoying my part time job as a driver. The other day I had a lovely drive up to Glossop then another down to Dunham Massey, beautiful rural roads etc. I get a strange sense of freedom just being an anonymous driver, turning up, dumping a little compost-joy and leaving again. No pressures, no worries about the future. It's only temporary though, my mind will surely cotton on at some point to the fact that I'm wasting my education and focus solely on that, ruining any zen-like moments.

The PhD project text finally clicked yesterday. I'm going to be honest and say that I'd read it for 2 hours and slept on it before I finally understood what they were trying to say. I felt a rare sense of achievement and excitement before I settled down to the matter of researching what I was going to say. I feel a little more confident now, despite the fact they want to see a copy of my MSc dissertation in the application. I'm proud of my grade at uni, but the little voice in my head keeps saying "No! You can't show them that, they'll take one look and realise you're a fraud in the academic industry!" which I know on a sensible, logical scale is complete nonsense.


In other news I spent a day working with Liz on her front garden and got burnt quite badly on my arms and back, yet with a f50+ screen on my face came away with only a mild rash on my face. I'm happy because that means the medication has worked beyond the end of the treatment. I went back straight after I returned from Sweden at Easter and the doctors are suggesting another course of treatment which, despite the discomfort, I'm quite happy about. I want to be able to go out in the sun with normal sun protection and know I'm not going to be scaring small children (at least not accidentally) for the next few days. Also, I might get to visit Suzanne in Italy.

Shock upon shock

I got invited back for a second interview. Unfortunately I was abroad on the date they specified so telephoned to explain how keen I was (the presentation looked interesting) and they promised to find another date.

So I chased for approximately a week and they told me they'd found a suitable candidate in the meantime. Hardly professional, but I don't really get to judge.

Anyway, back to the Manchester side and I'm back at the books trying to put interesting bits into a table for evaluation on the research project. I once again sat in a meeting feeling totally lost but nodding and trying to look intelligent. On the upside, I asked another researcher how she felt about the meetings and she said that she too sat there in silence because she felt out of her depth. She has a Ph. D. Eek.

I had an interview today for a bar job, perks include free use of the gym and discounts at the chain. Sadly they seemed to be looking for a 16 year old they could pay a reduced wage for and keep through later education, so I'm not entirely sure why they bothered inviting me to come if they knew my age. Still, I kept a cool head, friendly, laughed, joked, asked questions and generally suggested I'd be a great waitress. You never know...

Other than that the career hunt has stagnated a little recently. I'm finding it difficult to get enthuesed about anything if I'm honest. I found an internship in Environmental Appraisal in Berlin and a Ph.D. in Innovation and Entrepreneurship in Copenhagen, both of which should in theory have me bouncing like a squirrel finding its buried nuts but have left me feeling apathy and a little angry that I'm not excited.