Everything I do I feel a huge sense of guilt, thoughts that I'm not being useful and fears that they feel they are dragging me to do things. I try to be proactive, prompting discussions and actions on things that need doing- but nothing seems to happen. I put together sheets and after a day's worth of work am told that they already have something similar, but no-one bothered to remember.
Last week I went on site visits for an afternoon, the idea being that I get a feel for the products in situ, meet the kind of people I'll be dealing with as clients and see the kind of problems faced. Yes, I saw the products and met the people, saw the problems first hand. I learned a lot, but felt like a 15 year old on work experience.
I thought this was just new-job-nerves, but the other day I felt anxious walking across the workshop, despite it being empty but for my 2 bosses. I felt watched, even though they were not watching, unsure, even though I was just doing something perfectly normal.
I worry that if this continues I will spiral to the point that I am useless to them and will lose the job. The fear that that might happen makes the anxiety work.
For pity's sake, I'm an adult. A healthy, intelligent, employed adult. Why can't I deal with this?
