I know it will pass, this time next year I'll be happily sipping coffee on a balcony somewhere enjoying the spring sunshine from behind my factor 50+, sun hat and shades.
Today though, I feel empty. I feel like I can't go outside and walk past those happy people sat on the lawn outside my apartment block.
Potentially there is an apartment to rent which I can view this week. I'm still looking for apartments or houses to buy... but the list of barriers is just getting longer and harder to justify overcoming. I'm even considering a houseboat on the river, but suspect that that option comes with an even longer list of prohibitives.
I made use of the car with my parents and went to visit Peter and Ulla, then managed to squeeze in a trip to IKEA to get a duvet set and towels for any potential guests here. Unfortunately, neither of my potential English guests have been in touch for the last two weeks, prompting a whole range of negative thoughts and possibilities.
Living here alone though is teaching me an important lesson in life. Quite a few actually. One, set your alarm clock because no-one else is getting you out of bed.
In all seriousness though, I'm beginning to understand that you have to separate the logical, true thoughts from the self doubting, negative thoughts by yourself. You have to view yourself through an internal mirror, not the external one your friends provide. Finally, if you feel crap, you have to pull yourself out. Nobody is going to rescue you, so you become your own knight in shining armour. The best thing about this is that gradually, the knight gets stronger and braver. She might have her off days, but she's growing and changing and developing.
Of course, you then have to remember that distinguishing an entirely separate person within yourself is the beginning of insanity.
So at 2pm, I'm going to have a shower in the basement, scrub the sleep from my eyes and get on with my day.
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