There's a dilemma in my mind, a question of worth. You see, there is an International Development career seminar evening on at Brunei on the 29th and I'd really like to go. It's £20 a ticket, and train fares would be around £50 return, but it finishes at 9pm and I don't really want to be negotiating my way home then. There's also the added problem of my finances right now.
I've asked if anyone wants to go and car share with me, which would be slightly safer and cost less, but so far no luck... mostly because the people who'd jump at the chance are abroad. Lucky them!
I'm increasingly liking the idea of working abroad right now. Okay, so a lot of the governments around the world are corrupt or sleazy (look at Berlosconi, who hides his escapades from his country through media control), but at least if it's easier to hide. If I so much as breathe wrong here I'm scared there's going to be a legal repercussion. Scared of a nanny state? Certainly. More so, I'm scared that the BNP are gaining power and might lead to more sectarian violence. That's probably not the correct term, but f- it.
I stayed with a friend in Rome a couple of months ago. I fell in lust with the hustle and bustle, the wayward traffic and third world ways (her words, not mine). I might also have falled in pure lust with a certain motorbike and the idea of its rider, but things are not fairy tales for me, so I shall desist from dreaming such thoughts. We were talking, and the idea was mooted that I could find an English speaking job there, and we could rent a flat- she can't afford one on her own anytime soon, and her parents are driving her mad.
Part of me wants to work and work, push my way to the top and make a real difference to the way we treat this world, as well as pay off my considerable student debts- seriously, studying at one of the top 10 international business schools ain't cheap.
Another part of me is looking skeptical, raising an eyebrow and asking me to think back to a time that I haven't been screwed in some way in my career. Once, I was refused a job on the grounds that I "needed more of a challenge in my career than they could offer, and I'd be bored." I've been described as "raw talent" in a leading national newspaper and perhaps selfishly I expect that opportunities should fall into my lap.
The other part of me looks at my situation, at my academic achievements and the stupid things I've tried to keep myself out of the debt collectors' collective phone books, the s- I've taken from employers, and says "Hey! You deserve to have a break. Go to Italy. Work in a hotel and enjoy the simple life for a bit. Have a break!"
Is it wrong to be jealous of those who don't work as hard, knowing that I could have chosen that route, but instead put myself in this position in the hope of a better life? You wouldn't know it to look at them, but my parents have burned themselves out for us in the hope that through their work our better education might lead somewhere better; perhaps I feel slightly guilty at the prospect of not being in a £40,000 a year job as they might hope.
Perhaps this got a bit Emo- sorry! It's possibly something to with this sun allergy treatment...
No comments:
Post a Comment