Directional Attitude

I have no idea what that title means. It sounded good in my head.

For the past few days I've been having that Groundhog Day feeling, gradually getting worse. Last night it developed into Groundhog Year feeling, and I felt it all too much. I was thinking how different my life could have been if I'd had more confidence in my abilities when applying for courses, if I'd gone down the engineering route rather than the design route. Would I now be part way to designing revolutionary devices for saving lives in the 3rd world, or developing alternative fuel systems and revelling in my geekdom?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Either way, the feelings turned onto what my friends are doing and I suddenly thought that my failures could somehow be jinxing others, causing them to fail. I was very tired at this point and clearly my brain wasn't working at its most logical.

The key to my escape from Groundhog Year: Round III is to focus on my achievements and how I can make good use of them in the future to build a career and life that fulfills me and creates benefit for those around.

I'm also wasting a lot of time thinking and sleeping because of my mood. One way to challenge this is to assess it and record it, so I've bought myself a diary and each day will detail my aims (written the night before) and a write-up of what I actually did. Directly challenge weaknesses and hopefully I'll get stronger and get a great career. Even if that doesn't work I'll have more time to sell on eBay and thus buy mum a sewing machine!

Getting some experience in

On the 3rd I have a meeting to outline exactly what my tasks will be at University. I approached my lecturer at graduation and he seemed pleased that I'd asked about helping out with a project. The team consists of two of my old lecturers and a few other staff, including an out-going PhD and a in-coming PhD academic. I'll be assisting initially with the literature review, outlining the topic and generally helping out where I can. There was mention of sitting in on some interviews later, and I hope to get to see some quantitative work to get that side of my skills back on board.

I'll be working for no pay, so part time (paid) work is a must, otherwise the bank will be chasing me for repayments on my career development loan. I've applied for another two roles at the uni and another just down the road.

Currently I'm temping, sitting on a few reception desks and handling the photocopying. Exciting stuff, but it brings in much needed cash. I've started the Bosch essay, however although the ideas are there the concentration and focus is not. I've written three miniature essays on a variety of topics based on the theme but alas have penned no further work.

Today I'm applying for an admin post at uni. It's part-time, not badly paid and hugely convenient for my voluntary work in the old department.

There's always a weird balance to strike beween being keen and being desperate, but seeing as people often mistake my calm and collected appearance for one that just doesn't give a damn, I feel that if I seem to myself to be a little desperate it might just be slightly keen to an observer. On that note, I should probably work on my presentation, communication skills and rejection issues.

I'm thinking of entering another journalism competition. I know it sounds like something you do if a) you're a journalist or b) you're in school, but I miss writing and I could do with the cash. Last time I entered I didn't get placed, but the times before that I was highly commended.

... cont.

Yesterday I was untimely dragged off to be sociable with my neighbours. I was sociable and clearly abandoned my blogging duties. I shall resume.

So, aside from working in a pay-the-loan-off job and wondering where my smart clothes are (in the wardrobe, too tight and yet another reason to get fit!), I've been seeing a guy. He's tall, funny and intelligent but something wasn't right. There was no spark, no zing, no excitement.

And it struck me today after we decided it wasn't worth persuing as a romantic venture that the spark has left me too. It's lost, hidden under time spent answering phones to thankless customers who don't know my name or the effort I've made in my education.

I need to get that spark back. I need to get excited about something in my own life before I can consider sharing that spark with anyone else.

The hints of it are there and, without getting too lost in this metaphor (although really I'm so far into it already let's just run with it) , I need to get moving to fan that spark into life.