Motivation

Everyone has dreams. Even if they're simple ones like "Eat a nutritious meal tonight."

Some people achieve these dreams and as much as I'd like to attribute this to luck and chance it can't all be- right? What fairness in the world gives some people masses of luck and others none?

My dream is fairly simple: Get a career, preferably in something which benefits people or knowledge and is based outside of the UK, find a man, marry and have a family, travel a bit and retire to live out my days in a loving relationship with a man, endless supplies of books, chocolate and wine.

The first goal here is clearly "Get a job" and it seems to be the hardest.

I'm finding motivation and self-belief are my greatest stumbling blocks. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but being under their roof isn't the most free of places to live. My bank balance and impending loan payments are further motivation to get earning. The lack of suitable men here is more than enough motivation to get out of the UK. By the time we add in the current political climate and my hatred for the majority of the English I'm well on my way to booking a flight leaving this evening.

Motivational tips go as follows:

1. Think about whether you really want to achieve your desire
2. Make your goal very clear
3. Think often about your goal
4. Visualize your goal as already accomplished
5. Read books or articles about the subject of your goal
6. Read about people who have achieved success
7. Think often about the benefits
8. Visualize
9. Repeat positive affirmations
10. Start small

I do really want to achieve this. It might scare me, but I want to do it. My goal is clear, but flexible. I think pretty much all the time about my goal. I see myself successful in it. I read journals, biographies, newspaper articles about it. I know what the benefits will be. I visualise, dream, all the time. I keep telling myself I can do it. How much smaller can you get than "get a job"?

My problem, I feel, is that whilst I see it happening and tell myself (and people who ask "what are you going to do?") I just don't believe it deep down. It's like there are two of me and people just see the successful one and I don't believe she really exists. And with each rejection and day that I spend like this the less real she becomes.

Still nothing...

Still actively waiting. By this I mean applying for more, chasing old applications and occasionally getting upset with my CDL provider.

In order then:

Have four applications that I'm halfway through. The main stumbling block appears to be "What has been your most significant non-academic achievement?" Hmm. I survived being attacked by a lunatic? Makes me sound like I'm after a pity job. I tackled other girls into the mud in the name of sport? Makes me sound like a butch lesbian. I ate more than my dad aged 7. Ha! That's more like it.

I rang the Danish uni, failed to get through to either lecturer or course admissions tutor, so settled for e-mailing. Only one replied saying I should have had a written confirmation of my application. Erm, no. But at least I know that's not dead.

Got annoyed with the CDL provider today. They said I may be eligible for a deferment on my payments, so I rang and found out that because my benefits application has been lost and I've since worked a grand total of two days since I finished my course I am now ineligible. Bastards. Am going to ring the arrears dept. on Monday.

I can't tomorrow because BMW called me back for another day. Clearly I didn't break the coffee machine. At least I look good to the agent now.

I'm going to be watching the debate tonight on Question Time, purely to witness Griffin hang himself with whatever noose he is provided.

Don't get me wrong- benefit cheats, spongers, illegal immigrants and tax dodgers are among my pet peeves (and I'd gladly kick them, hard) but focusing on race, religion and exclusion is just plain wrong. The man should be ashamed, not least because there were videos of him on Youtube cuddling up to the KKK.

Have still heard nothing from any of my recent applications. I've signed away my legal rights to a maximum working week for a temping agency instead. It is reversable and- well if I end up working then it's more cash in the bank, no matter how far I go over the hours, unlikely though that seems.

Today I'm taking advantage of the fact that I always work better with no distractions and a focus. Here to focus my mind in an hour or so is the Blond, who needs me to teach her Project Management (thank God I aced that module. Twice.), and Photoshop (I didn't ace that one).

My language lessons have taken a new and far more interesting turn in the form of Jarnets Anglar with subtitles which is a brilliant indie film in Swedish.

I understood about half of it in Swedish once I had seperated out the sounds based on the subs. It also features the delectable Alexander Skarsgård.

Applied for a graduate job today. Telecoms in Scandinavia.

Felt pretty shit all morning- have had the house to myself all weekend and decided I'd have a guilt-free TV show day. Sadly, the guilt monster doesn't stray far from me and it came back pretty much as soon as I got up.

I did some washing, cleaned the bathroom, found out I'm working for BMW tomorrow and got off my fat lazy arse to find and apply for a job.

Parents back in 2 hours. Guilt monster not satisfied, so naturally I'm feeling angry with myself and everything. Damned meds messing with my skin, hormones and head. Feel like I'm going crazy. I have to go to the shop, nothing huge but it feels like a major drag.

I think it might be a consequence of lower temperatures, not getting anywhere on my jobhunt, still living at home and being skint...

Setting plans

The contact my tutor has turned out to be a woman I was put in touch with 18 months ago for a career chat. She agreed to meet and never returned my call. Hmmm. Have contacted my tutor to ask whether I should approach it as a totally new contact, or bring up the fact we have already been introduced via e-mail. Sadly, she may recognise me from my background.

Urgh.

In other news, my plan for today is to ring all the agencies I'm registered with to chase on temp jobs, run through the environment job sites for new openings, turbolist at least 5 items for eBay and do 30 minutes of French.

After that, some cleaning and then perhaps a delve into the wool chest to see if I can find something cheap to teach myslf knitting with. What? Well I'm skint and threw out all my holey jumpers last spring, so why not turn those balls into jumpers that fit my stupidly long upper body?

But first: washing out on the line. It might even start to dry...

Applied for another PhD today. Denmark. Looks cool, but my chances of getting it are low.

In other news my tutor put me forward for a position with a M/c based consultancy. It's only research support so nothing exciting but a lad from my course just got the same job at another branchof the same firm.

What's worrying me though is the way he described it. I'd have to be self-employed, so wouldn't get holidays or sick leave. I'd be there for 6 months and as a project term they would demand 100% committment. Sadly, either the guy sold it really badly or it is extremely tedious work only loosely related to where I want to be. If it went badly it could negatively affect the relationship between the uni and the firm, plus I'd lose a fantastic reference.

The Thermostat War has begun, with dad firmly in the "let's freeze until I start to feel mildly cool" camp and mum and I in the "our feet are already numb and outside the lounge I can't feel my fingers to type" camp. The log fire is lit, but it heats the lounge, kitchen and leaky conservatory, leaving the rest of the house in some pre-Victorian ice age state. My fingers are just about warm enough to type after massaging them for five minutes...