2 months in...

... and this job is driving me insane.

Don't get me wrong, I love the thought of kids having fun. I even feel slightly proud that one of my designs has been approved and is going to give some disabled kids a better play experience.

But frankly, approx. £27,000, two dissertations and a short stint on a research team and my boss can't even bring himself to call me anything other than the admin girl?

Geesh.

I have two bosses. One stands over my shoulder and treats me like I'm six and can't do anything right. He springs questions on me relating to the problem I was working on twenty problems ago (two hours maybe?) and looks at me like I need a brain transplant when I ask "which xyz are we on now?" because he jumps between them and fails to explain which he's asking about.

The other just seems passive. He's good at getting the orders and is pleasant to have around but he shows no real commitment to learning the software he bought (and that I got trained in) and shrugs his shoulders and problems on the shop floor.

The works manager seems to have mis-read his job description and lets the lads walk all over him, resulting in him doing most of the work. He then threatens to resign every Monday. Lucky me, I'm always in early and get my ears torn to shreds with his rants about women (how nasty, backstabbing and greedy we are, with the occasional nod to the fact that I might not be) and rants about his boss(es).

I don't really take a lunch break and therefore work 9 hours pretty much straight with occasional wanders down to the kettle.

I'll admit it, I'm going slightly potty.

It's taking my fight out of me.

I honestly do not care that my Uncle has fallen out with me because I hurt his feelings (by being uncomfortable with his sexual relationship with a schoolmate of mine), and I genuinely am just being washed over with the negative attitudes and arguments of my parents.

No wonder I go out and my friend meets a stunning guy whilst I get called a moody cow because I don't find his wingman attractive. Hello, insult much to assume the wingwoman is that desperate?

Anyway, Christmas soon.

I can spend another time of the year remembering how sad and pointless my current existence is, as well as be reminded by my super-duper engineering brother that he's going to single handedly save the world from capitalism.

Confidence at work

A week and a half in and I'm wondering what's wrong.

Everything I do I feel a huge sense of guilt, thoughts that I'm not being useful and fears that they feel they are dragging me to do things. I try to be proactive, prompting discussions and actions on things that need doing- but nothing seems to happen. I put together sheets and after a day's worth of work am told that they already have something similar, but no-one bothered to remember.

Last week I went on site visits for an afternoon, the idea being that I get a feel for the products in situ, meet the kind of people I'll be dealing with as clients and see the kind of problems faced. Yes, I saw the products and met the people, saw the problems first hand. I learned a lot, but felt like a 15 year old on work experience.

I thought this was just new-job-nerves, but the other day I felt anxious walking across the workshop, despite it being empty but for my 2 bosses. I felt watched, even though they were not watching, unsure, even though I was just doing something perfectly normal.

I worry that if this continues I will spiral to the point that I am useless to them and will lose the job. The fear that that might happen makes the anxiety work.

For pity's sake, I'm an adult. A healthy, intelligent, employed adult. Why can't I deal with this?

Finally!

The wall has cracked and I have a job. More to the point, it's a career type job. I've been there for three days already and really like the people.

It's a small firm, run by a father and son. I'm the only female working there and the father has already taken me to one side to warn me that I'll need to be assertive because the guy I need to get on with on the workshop floor allegedly hates women. Wonderful. At least I know he's stuck in the past and if the firm is going to be 21^st century it's going to have to adopt modern attitudes towards women.

I shall update more about my feelings about it when things become clearer in a month, after I have learned more about the firm and recapped my Solidworks and change management knowledge...

On another note, Liz has her open day for the museum next Sunday, showcasing her new exhibition on Freemasonry and skills in curating, preserving and organising. My parents are going to come along too to show their support to their unofficial daughter.

Cat is leaving us to go to London, starting a MSc course in mid-September, which is excellent.

I have no more news because, frankly, I have no life.

I will.

I have to find £200 in the next 5 days, that's without finding money for the family holiday. Traditionally, dad pays for transport and food, then I buy the occasional coffees and cakes, plus little extra things and perhaps some clothes - that won't be happening this time.

I'm already working 3 extra days this week at the dealership, have an interview on another of the mornings and may have to lose a morning of work for a hospital appointment for my skin, if I can manage it.

Co-incidentally, the money I need to find corresponds almost exactly to the amount I spent on the Summer Ball out of my own pocket, which several friends offered to contribute to. They didn't, thus I learned my lesson. But I still wouldn't mind if they had.

eBay is going to be seeing a few new listings tonight, but I'm worried about putting my silk ball gown on- technically I need the money more than the dress, but I spent £120 on it and it's far too high a quality to let sell for £30. Hmm.

For the interview I've been doing a little preparation work. I've read a great book on interview techniques and questions, how to answer them and make sure you've shown yourself in the best light. I'm torn between feeling that it's cheating and knowing that as long as no lies pass my lips it's honest and fair. In the current job market I'm going to take any advantage I can get. Is there a book on "How to bag a career in your dream job at your dream salary"?

Job Shopping

The time has come again to find full time work. Apparently, as a highly qualified, socially normal person, it's difficult.

I've tried Monster, Gumtree, Totaljobs, Hays, newspapers, random internet searches, asking friends, family and people off the street. Job, o'oh Jo-obs, where are you?

There's a 2nd interview next week with a promising firm, which I'm guessing means I'm down to the final 5, an improvement on recent attempts. I'm not holding my breath though.

I'm also looking at graduate schemes, as a few are looking interesting, however due to the current job market I'm foreseeing a highly competitive (even more so than usual) process.

It probably doesn't help that no-one in the family right now is happy with their career. Dad has clearly lost his joie de vivre, mum has lost her way and Ethan is doing quite well in his engineering degree. Perhaps he'll need a cleaner when he's wealthy and saving the world, maybe a house-sitter when he's away telling people how to build things properly.

Overall it's just wholly negative.

B-e-a-ootiful!

Sorry to start with a Jim Carrey line. Believe it or not I'm not a huge fan. I went for a stroll to the next village yesterday (sounds very Austen, but is in actual fact just the next collection of shops across the dual carriageway) with mum and bumped into one of her customers. Today mum was at work and the customer came in and told her I was beautiful.

I don't often get compliments and although a part of me suspects mum may be making up the whole story to instill some semblance of self esteem in me, I would be quietly pleased that someone thought that.

Anyway, onto the exciting stuff. I went mad and splashed out on a shiny piece of kit, all £1.97 for a pedometer. The healthy human walks approximately 10,000 steps each day, burning around 450 kcals. I put the thing on at around midday and at 11:30pm I've hit the grand total of.... 745.

Excellent.

To make up for my complete lack of physical activity I did apply for three jobs today, all of which hold some sort of excitement. I'm waiting with bated breath to hear back from the poor people I coughed at for an hour had an interview with last week. I would actually quite like the position and they seem to be quite innovative which would interest me, help develop my career and enable them to see if my degree is actually of any use.

Again a short and sweet post, followed by a little relaxation and hopefully a non-eventful night's sleep. For the past three nights I've had very odd dreams...

I had an interview today for an Assistant Product Manager position. I hope I came across well, even with the coughing fit halfway through. I even had to be escorted, apologising profusely, to the ladies to hack up a small portion of my guts. I've had a viral cough for about 3 weeks now and it appeared to be getting better, but decided to hit me at the most important time!

Ah well. At least they now also know how I behave under socially embarrassing conditions.

The agency booked another temp for today to cover my assignment, so I'm free for the afternoon. I spent some time looking at jobs and internships, but sadly the jobs on the careers website seemed boring and the exciting looking ones don't pay enough for me to afford to pay back my CDL. Part of me wonders if it was really worth it. The bank wrote to me today as well to remind me that my interest free overdraft will start reducing soon... 17.9% interest on anything over the interest free portion! I think that's higher than some credit cards. Eek.

Working on Liz's leaflet today. Having to create a map image because the maps I can get hold of are of a low resolution and are hard to read.

My next task

... on the list of things to do is to create my Elevator Speech. I remember my lecturer telling us that we should have one about each project we were working on, today I saw someone talking about using one in job hunting.

Using this link I can hopefully craft a winning message with which to very swiftly explain what I do, what I want to do and how I'll wow everyone.

But first, I intend to sleep. It's 11:36pm and I have to meet a friend at work.

Of course, rowing is fairly strenuous activity.

Guess what I'm banned, doc's orders, from doing? I did wonder why at 100 reps I was feeling tired. Isotretinoin results in early muscle fatigue, thus strenuous activity is not allowed.

Oops.

Checked the weather report for tomorrow and it looks like my picnic is off as well. Having a great morning!

Will get on with the job hunt instead. Maybe that will turn out well...

Been a while- again!

I hear back from the application at the end of June. As I've probably said a million times, fingers crossed but breath not held.

Suzanne's was an adventure, but not really for telling to the world. Suffice to say despite the setbacks I had a lovely time and made several personal leaps forward.

Clinging onto the rail as I made my second, calm and relaxed journey via the underground in Rome, I realised that five years ago I'd have laughed until I cried if you'd have predicted where I'd be. Abroad, alone, willingly and happily travelling on public transport. You see five years ago I was scared to leave my own flat, even to go to the laundry room in the same block. Little by little I've gained the confidence I lost through the extended incident and I've doubled it and doubled it until I've had the confidence of a normal person.

Even more exciting perhaps, was the conversation I had with a florist the day before I left. I had a few minutes to kill before Suzanne finished work and, despite her objections, was attempting to get a small token with which to thank her and her parents. I went into a florist shop, looked around and upon being asked if I was alright, described to the shopkeeper how I was on holiday and staying with a friend and her parents, and wished to buy some flowers. We had a brief discussion in which we established I might actually prefer a plant, then moved onto the fact that she already had Orchids in her window.

Strangely, I hadn't even reistered that I knew the words for all of that, nevermind how to string them into a (grammatically incorrect) but understandable sentence or three.

I left empty handed because I simply couldn't afford anything, but I left feeling a weird sense of acomplishment.

Sure, I didn't know the language. I didn't know the culture. I didn't even know the way home, as the route was covered on the tourist map by an advert. I did, however, manage. Very well, considering. I even exceeded my own expectations, the worst critic ever is the best to amaze.

Now I'm back, skin dried from the treatment I started again, and onto the job hunt once more.

I will get up tomorrow, row for a bit, try a little Yoga and get down to the serious job of finding a career.

Oh, and plotting my birthday.

Application completed, packed and posted. According to the postal service, delivered too.

So now I prepare for a trip abroad to see the lovely Suzanne and as many ancient Roman sites as possible. Miss Hunt would be proud!

I go to the hospital on Thursday to see if they want to try another course of the Isotretinoin. Part of me really wants to have more, despite the side effects, to see if we can beat this stupid condition. Actinic Folliculitis. It sounds like I just forgot to wash, rather than the truth (cleanse, mild exfoliation, moisturise, sun protect etc.). The other part of me wonders what the point is, or whether the monthly blood and pregnancy tests, plus the dried skin, frail hair, constant thirst and general malaise is a small enough price for the chance at normal skin.

I had a really good day on Saturday. I managed to forget jobs and money, stresses and diets, as I wandered around town with the Twin. Yet again we bought dresses that we cannot go out together wearing... yet another need to co-ordinate our daily outfits so that we don't match.

Yes, it's a Saturday night and I'm sat, sans make-up, short dress, heels, glass of wine, music and friends, in front of my screen. Tapping away like some hermit in a tower.

The reason for this sad state of affairs is my PhD proposal, which scarily I have become quite attached to. I missed reading journal articles, pulling them apart and wondering how I'd have done it better. I even did that whilst acting as a receptionist for BMW... now that is multi-tasking!

The proposal is nearly done, my poor proofreaders are also nearly done in, which clearly means I offer a round or three.

I have my fingers crossed it a) gets to its destination on time and b) that it impresses, because I actually quite like the idea of doing this research. Even if it does mean learning another language, struggling along a little in my own tongue, being lost in a foreign city and pondering the ins and outs of a foreign utility bill system.

This weekend my aim is to complete my reference list, fill in the application form, find my degree certificates and compile the application pack. And then wonder if Royal Mail can handle it.

I am aware that I am rambling in an effort to avoid going back to it. I wonder if there's anyone out there who actually enjoys referencing their work?

Sometimes you get motivation from the thoughts that make you feel a little down, and you are left wondering whether the motives are the right ones. For example, am I getting down to working on the PhD proposal because I genuinely want to study, because I want to be doing anything but sitting around leeching off my parents or because I feel better when people talk to me about doing it?

I'm quite enjoying my part time job as a driver. The other day I had a lovely drive up to Glossop then another down to Dunham Massey, beautiful rural roads etc. I get a strange sense of freedom just being an anonymous driver, turning up, dumping a little compost-joy and leaving again. No pressures, no worries about the future. It's only temporary though, my mind will surely cotton on at some point to the fact that I'm wasting my education and focus solely on that, ruining any zen-like moments.

The PhD project text finally clicked yesterday. I'm going to be honest and say that I'd read it for 2 hours and slept on it before I finally understood what they were trying to say. I felt a rare sense of achievement and excitement before I settled down to the matter of researching what I was going to say. I feel a little more confident now, despite the fact they want to see a copy of my MSc dissertation in the application. I'm proud of my grade at uni, but the little voice in my head keeps saying "No! You can't show them that, they'll take one look and realise you're a fraud in the academic industry!" which I know on a sensible, logical scale is complete nonsense.


In other news I spent a day working with Liz on her front garden and got burnt quite badly on my arms and back, yet with a f50+ screen on my face came away with only a mild rash on my face. I'm happy because that means the medication has worked beyond the end of the treatment. I went back straight after I returned from Sweden at Easter and the doctors are suggesting another course of treatment which, despite the discomfort, I'm quite happy about. I want to be able to go out in the sun with normal sun protection and know I'm not going to be scaring small children (at least not accidentally) for the next few days. Also, I might get to visit Suzanne in Italy.

Shock upon shock

I got invited back for a second interview. Unfortunately I was abroad on the date they specified so telephoned to explain how keen I was (the presentation looked interesting) and they promised to find another date.

So I chased for approximately a week and they told me they'd found a suitable candidate in the meantime. Hardly professional, but I don't really get to judge.

Anyway, back to the Manchester side and I'm back at the books trying to put interesting bits into a table for evaluation on the research project. I once again sat in a meeting feeling totally lost but nodding and trying to look intelligent. On the upside, I asked another researcher how she felt about the meetings and she said that she too sat there in silence because she felt out of her depth. She has a Ph. D. Eek.

I had an interview today for a bar job, perks include free use of the gym and discounts at the chain. Sadly they seemed to be looking for a 16 year old they could pay a reduced wage for and keep through later education, so I'm not entirely sure why they bothered inviting me to come if they knew my age. Still, I kept a cool head, friendly, laughed, joked, asked questions and generally suggested I'd be a great waitress. You never know...

Other than that the career hunt has stagnated a little recently. I'm finding it difficult to get enthuesed about anything if I'm honest. I found an internship in Environmental Appraisal in Berlin and a Ph.D. in Innovation and Entrepreneurship in Copenhagen, both of which should in theory have me bouncing like a squirrel finding its buried nuts but have left me feeling apathy and a little angry that I'm not excited.

Apparently I didn't write any notes

...during the two year period I was looking at. I found some interesting publications though, so revised a little.

Anyhow, that proved to be little short of pointless, as the company isn't really looking for what they say they are. It's a little complicated, but basically they want a product or business developer to advance and change the strategy and harness success for the firm. Sounds great, but then they want you to get a Ph. D at the local university and commit to the firm for a longer-term job. Sounds nice, but business development requires professional ambition, but committing to a firm of around 15 people with little prospect of mass growth requires minimial ambition.

Things that make you go: Hmm...

Right now I'm struggling a little with motivation to do anything useful, including the research for the university project. I think that's just a little mood issue, perhaps something to do with coming down from the "Interview High" and going out for the evening with an extremely slim, tanned and blodn friend who attracted every male, rendering me effectively invisible!

Woo!

Clearly, ironically, technology and I do not mix. I thought not being alerted to an additional voicemail once the symbol appears was a glitch on my old (and now broken) phone. Apparently all phones do it. That's why I find myself in the awkward position of appearing to ignore an invite to a job interview, which naturally requires a phone call at 9am on Monday morning to apologise profusely and ask if they are still willing to see me. But it can't be Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or indeed Friday as I'm in Glasgow, temping, temping and temping in that order.

The Good News is that whilst in Glasgow I'll be being interviewed for a KTP position, which is exciting enough in itself until we add in the subject of the KTP and the information I've gleaned by stalking-lite the company and a few employees. Suddenly it's hugely exciting and I'm out shoe shopping for some smart shoes which did not cost £12 and are falling apart (student budgets eh!). So following two days of wandering aimlessly and crying inside at the ill-fitting and non-existant varieties of shoes on offer I finally found some. They're a bit bondage at the back, but fingers crossed with some opaque black tights and a high-necked top it'll look decent, smart and savvy.

Tomorrow is a packed day, what with collecting my researchers credentials and a key to the room I've been allocated, ferrying my mother (have a lovely Mothering Sunday, mum!) to the garage and (fingers crossed) organising an interview for interim cash should Glasgow not pay off in the near future.

I don't believe in stars but for the last couple of weeks mine in the Telegraph (the only accurate astrology section in the UK according to dad) have been career-positive. It could all be self-fulfilling prophecy, but who am I to ignore the hints?

I shall go to revise two years worth of studying on sustainability and design methodology.

Wonder if I filed any notes?

Waiting...

Currently I'm waiting for my Visiting Researcher pass to gain access to the IT and library systems at uni. I also get a key to, and a desk in, the PhD students room. Okay, it's not paid but it's experience and I'm seeing it as a free learning experience at a top university. I'm happy about the project too, it's all about sustainability and firms doing innovative things with their resources, which is excellent.

I'm struggling a bit on the money front though. I'm temping but I'm lucky if I get a couple of days a week and clearly once my funds start running out next month I'll be in trouble with the Career Development Loan people. My shoes are falling apart yet I can't justify the expense of a new pair, even for my interview next week. I've applied for 12 new part time jobs this week to keep my voluntary going on a little bit longer (despite the fact I've only just started), but past experience leads me to believe I will not be receiving a reply from any of them.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm living in cloud cuckoo land in considering doing a PhD. Where's it going to get me really, other than even more into the "over-qualified" section of job applicants for Greggs. The thought of studying abroad is exhilarating and would clearly be a huge addition to my CV; however if the thought of moving to Glasgow scares me... well it's not the big things. It's the small stuff like public transport in a new area, putting the right bins out, being in the right place at the right time. Silly things. Things normal people don't worry about in life. I guess I'm just a little weird and there's no reason for me to allow that fear to hold me back.

Directional Attitude

I have no idea what that title means. It sounded good in my head.

For the past few days I've been having that Groundhog Day feeling, gradually getting worse. Last night it developed into Groundhog Year feeling, and I felt it all too much. I was thinking how different my life could have been if I'd had more confidence in my abilities when applying for courses, if I'd gone down the engineering route rather than the design route. Would I now be part way to designing revolutionary devices for saving lives in the 3rd world, or developing alternative fuel systems and revelling in my geekdom?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Either way, the feelings turned onto what my friends are doing and I suddenly thought that my failures could somehow be jinxing others, causing them to fail. I was very tired at this point and clearly my brain wasn't working at its most logical.

The key to my escape from Groundhog Year: Round III is to focus on my achievements and how I can make good use of them in the future to build a career and life that fulfills me and creates benefit for those around.

I'm also wasting a lot of time thinking and sleeping because of my mood. One way to challenge this is to assess it and record it, so I've bought myself a diary and each day will detail my aims (written the night before) and a write-up of what I actually did. Directly challenge weaknesses and hopefully I'll get stronger and get a great career. Even if that doesn't work I'll have more time to sell on eBay and thus buy mum a sewing machine!

Getting some experience in

On the 3rd I have a meeting to outline exactly what my tasks will be at University. I approached my lecturer at graduation and he seemed pleased that I'd asked about helping out with a project. The team consists of two of my old lecturers and a few other staff, including an out-going PhD and a in-coming PhD academic. I'll be assisting initially with the literature review, outlining the topic and generally helping out where I can. There was mention of sitting in on some interviews later, and I hope to get to see some quantitative work to get that side of my skills back on board.

I'll be working for no pay, so part time (paid) work is a must, otherwise the bank will be chasing me for repayments on my career development loan. I've applied for another two roles at the uni and another just down the road.

Currently I'm temping, sitting on a few reception desks and handling the photocopying. Exciting stuff, but it brings in much needed cash. I've started the Bosch essay, however although the ideas are there the concentration and focus is not. I've written three miniature essays on a variety of topics based on the theme but alas have penned no further work.

Today I'm applying for an admin post at uni. It's part-time, not badly paid and hugely convenient for my voluntary work in the old department.

There's always a weird balance to strike beween being keen and being desperate, but seeing as people often mistake my calm and collected appearance for one that just doesn't give a damn, I feel that if I seem to myself to be a little desperate it might just be slightly keen to an observer. On that note, I should probably work on my presentation, communication skills and rejection issues.

I'm thinking of entering another journalism competition. I know it sounds like something you do if a) you're a journalist or b) you're in school, but I miss writing and I could do with the cash. Last time I entered I didn't get placed, but the times before that I was highly commended.

... cont.

Yesterday I was untimely dragged off to be sociable with my neighbours. I was sociable and clearly abandoned my blogging duties. I shall resume.

So, aside from working in a pay-the-loan-off job and wondering where my smart clothes are (in the wardrobe, too tight and yet another reason to get fit!), I've been seeing a guy. He's tall, funny and intelligent but something wasn't right. There was no spark, no zing, no excitement.

And it struck me today after we decided it wasn't worth persuing as a romantic venture that the spark has left me too. It's lost, hidden under time spent answering phones to thankless customers who don't know my name or the effort I've made in my education.

I need to get that spark back. I need to get excited about something in my own life before I can consider sharing that spark with anyone else.

The hints of it are there and, without getting too lost in this metaphor (although really I'm so far into it already let's just run with it) , I need to get moving to fan that spark into life.

Resolutions

I don't do New Year's Resolutions. They don't work and generally result in my feelings ending up somewhere near the gutter.

Recently, a good friend of mine was sprung with the news that her mother had suspected breast cancer. She has since had the lump removed and initial tests are clear, which is fantastic news. As you can imagine my friend is over the moon. She's also been inspired to take part in the Race for Life this year. I did it many years ago at high school and it damned near killed me, despite thinking I was relatively fit and active.

This year though, I'm going to do it with her.

Got it back...

... my Mojo.

Sadly, my Mojo has not extended itself to reaching for my trainers and headphones and jogging me around the block a few times to help shed the Festive Fattening, but since it's icy and pavements are 4" deep in the white stuff that's okay really.

Luckily, following a pep-talk from a girl at work who is in my position (excellent graduate, unable to currently get her feet on her career ladder) I'm feeling wholly more positive.

After a long hiatus I've looked at graduate schemes, clicked on a few PhDs and debated opening my Svensk book again.

Sometimes winter depression just does nothing for you mood. Or career.